“Nobody Thought I Could Win” – Riley Gaines Beats Lia Thomas in Olympic Qualifier

The universe is beginning to realign. At the pre-Olympic tryouts this week in Negasquam, Minnesota, Riley Gaines qualified for two events while Lia Thomas washed out on hers.

“Riley swam like a true champion,” said former Olympic Medalist Joe Barron, “It was a pleasure to be her timekeeper. Thomas, on the other hand, looked as though she hadn’t trained in months.”

According to sources close to the Olympics that may or may not be reliable, Thomas has been hoping that just her wingspan and extra testosterone would get her through the trials and she could then train like Rocky Blaboa in a small Russian town just outside Springfield, Siberia.

“That’s not how it works,” said Barron, who still holds the world record for the 10K meter broadstroke, “You have to train as if every race is your last. Or something to that extent.”

ALLOD Sportsball Analysticator Tara Newhole stayed home and reported on the event from her couch, because there are no Del Tacos in Minnesota. “I’m getting a little bit tired of your appetite dictating my travel plans,” she said, “how about next week we cover something in Tarpon Springs and I’ll grab you some pastitsio?”

Newhole says the entire premise of the story is nearly as ridiculous as the storyline about a guy in Maine pretending he’s from Tallahassee while craving Del Taco, which is apparently disgusting. “It’s really getting old,” she mumbled, “stupid fu…..”

There’s a reason we’re down to one or two articles a week, patriots. Following the weird fetishes of low-IQ cultists ain’t easy. God bless America.