Oliver Anthony Breaks Taylor Swift’s Concert Attendance Record “Without Even Trying”
Step aside, Taylor Swift. There’s a new game in town and his name is Oliver Anthony. Anthony’s latest concert, which was unannounced until the day before, more than doubled any of the attendance records set by Taylor Swift’s overrated “Eras Tour.”
“It was amazing,” said concert promoter Joe Barron, “We went from Ted Nugent and the Chili Cookoff on Saturday to nearly a million people in and around the fairground on Sunday. Ted was honored to be part of it, albeit a little embarrassed.”
“I just want to thank Ted Nugent,” Anthony told the crowd, “Had he not recommended I come, none of you would have gotten to taste his award-winning canned whitetail chili.” Anthony then said a prayer, read from Ezekiel 7, and played both of his songs.
The crowd hadn’t considered how to get out, and local authorities believe some may be stuck near the center of the event for weeks or even months. “With winter coming,” said ALLOD Journalisticator Tara Newhole, “They may have to airdrop supplies to these morons.”
Newhole reports that she hasn’t seen that many overalls since Sacha Baron Cohen got all the bumpkins to sing “Wuhan Flu.”
Anthony, who remains smack-dab in the middle of the whole thing, has seized control of the situation, declared martial law, and suspended all food stamps to those who could feed themselves if they weren’t running out of food and moving on to some Mad Max hellscape fairly soon.
Our prayers go out that at least a few make it out safely to tell the story to our children’s grandchildren, patriots. As always, God Bless America.
Oliver Anthony Will Be Roseanne’s First Musical Guest
Roseanne’s new show is just about ready to roll. Barring any complications, it should be up and running by early next month. In an exciting turn of events, the first musical guest has been changed…to Oliver Anthony!
Anthony, who rose to instant stardom with his hit “Rich Men North of Richmond,” says he’s honored to do a show with such an inspirational woman:
“Roseanne has always been about the working class person,” he said, “so it’s only fitting that I do her show. I’m thinking of bringing her some fudge rounds as a joke,”
Roseanne would certainly find that amusing, as her decades-long role as a struggling mom in a blue-collar world would suggest. “The Conners didn’t get no welfare,” she said, “Me and Dan worked our asses of to feed those rotten little bastards,”
Roseanne’s turn toward conservatism may seem to be a little bit contrary to everything we know about her, and her newfound love for her country is definitely a long way from the crotch-grabbing, bird-flipping rendition of the National Anthem she did way back when. But that’s why we love her. Her ability to change is unlike any other.
It’s unfortunate that she’s unwilling to change from her latest form, which is a shrill, obnoxious clown touting conspiracy theories for the cultists on “X,” but that’s how the cookie crumbles.
At least her first show will have a good song before it tanks and gets canceled. God bless America.